They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Oh no
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Hit me in the face with a bird
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.