@CodyJP9412: COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
@CodyJP9412: HER: What're you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@CodyJP9412: Whoever decided on spelling "biscuit" really needs to get their shuit together.
@CodyJP9412: [creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I'm on it-
G: Half anteater
A: ...Are u drunk
@CodyJP9412: REPUBLICANS: I can't believe Trump won.
DEMOCRATS: I can't believe Hillary lost.
ME: I can't believe it's not butter!
@CodyJP9412: I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don't sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
@CodyJP9412: Old people that say tattoos are a waste of money: You have entire cabinets dedicated to plates that no one is allowed to use.