Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
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teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.