God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that