I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?