Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
You Might Also Like
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?