Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ColoChiver's best tweets

@ColoChiver : If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.

@ColoChiver: Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

@ColoChiver: I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I'm not a shopaholic.

@ColoChiver: Think of a number between 0 and 20 Add 32 to it. Multiply by 2. Subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?

@ColoChiver: Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.

@ColoChiver: My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@ColoChiver: When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.