Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
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Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
FRED: right
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Brands during Pride
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.