@ComedicBust: As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn't say our wedding ones. Anyway, here's my dog and I wearing hats
@ComedicBust: Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.
@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
@ComedicBust: My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.
@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery]
Wife: [terrified and crying]
Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.
@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.
@ComedicBust: *Blind Date*
Her: Ask me anything..
Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?
Her: Are you seri..
Me: *flips table*
@ComedicBust: [Walking into the gym Jan 1st]
Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you're making.
Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..