Funny Tweeter

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Page of ComedicBust's best tweets

@ComedicBust : When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn't know it'd mean she'd quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself

@ComedicBust: As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn't say our wedding ones. Anyway, here's my dog and I wearing hats

@ComedicBust: Whenever I kill an ant, I always assume a surviving ant tells the rest of the ants and they have a meeting on how to kill me in my sleep.

@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.

@ComedicBust: My boss took me out to dinner to celebrate my promotion, but after he watched me eat ribs for 20 minutes, I was given a severance package.

@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.

@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery]

Wife: [terrified and crying]

Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.

@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.

@ComedicBust: *Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*

@ComedicBust: [Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you're making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..