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While I usually love my son鈥檚 sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it鈥檚 meant to be
me: I think you鈥檙e cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Now that鈥檚 a Halloween costume! 馃ぉ
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if 鈥渓et鈥檚 have a follow-up meeting” helps
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper鈥檚 car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I鈥檓 feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw鈥攚ait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there鈥檚 no way I鈥檒l be strong enough by then.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Now that I think about it, I don鈥檛 believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry