Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ComedicBust's best tweets

@ComedicBust : All of my clothes look like they're about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I'm eating enough every time I see her.

@ComedicBust: I'm about to make this Taco Bell cashier wish she was paid on commission.

@ComedicBust: [during a plane crash]

Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE'RE GOING DOWN

Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?

@ComedicBust: [Commercial]

"Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?"

Me: YES

"Maybe it's time you re-evaluate your life."

Me: [heavy sigh]

@ComedicBust: [in a burning building]

Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down

Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..

JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]

@ComedicBust: Me: Ugh, there's always issues with the wifi!

Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.

@ComedicBust: [walking into a mattress store]

Me: [smiling too hard]

Manager: You can't jump on the beds.

Me: [no longer smiling]

@ComedicBust: Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?

Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.

@ComedicBust: [3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@ComedicBust: Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I'm just gonna pretend everything's going to be ok.