@ComedicBust: I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don't need to know I'm here to buy waterfall scented candles.
@ComedicBust: ME: What'd you want for dinner?
MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.
ME: Chinese it is.
@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding?
ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT
@ComedicBust: Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.
@ComedicBust: DETECTIVE: What’s wrong, never seen a dead body before?
ME: [biting nails] No sir.
DETECTIVE: Well biting its nails isn’t going to help.
@ComedicBust: ME: I’ll try and fix it. What’s your password?
ME: Well then, I can probably guess what’s wrong with your computer...
@ComedicBust: When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn't expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.
@ComedicBust: I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.