@ComedicBust: [during a plane crash]
Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE'RE GOING DOWN
Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?
"Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?"
"Maybe it's time you re-evaluate your life."
Me: [heavy sigh]
@ComedicBust: [in a burning building]
Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down
Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..
JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]
@ComedicBust: Me: Ugh, there's always issues with the wifi!
Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.
@ComedicBust: [walking into a mattress store]
Me: [smiling too hard]
Manager: You can't jump on the beds.
Me: [no longer smiling]
@ComedicBust: Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?
Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
@ComedicBust: Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.
Never mind, I'm just gonna pretend everything's going to be ok.