Funny Tweeter

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Page of ComedicBust's best tweets

@ComedicBust : [History Channel] Veteran: [terrified] And then he died. Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?

@ComedicBust: [Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C'mon baby, we're already here, let's just have a drink..

@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish

@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.

@ComedicBust: GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let's go exploring.

Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]

@ComedicBust: [First Date]

Me: Wanna check out the local garden?

Her: That sounds amazing.

[arriving at Olive Garden]

Me: Damn, it's busier than usual

@ComedicBust: We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.

@ComedicBust: [About to have sex]

Me: I want you so bad.

Her: Take me.

Me: [rips off panties]

Her: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING PANTIES

@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM

Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.

[jurors gasp]

[Lawyer throws up]

@ComedicBust: When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn't know it'd mean she'd quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself