Funny Tweeter

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Page of ComedicBust's best tweets

@ComedicBust : The older you get, the more you realize cancelled plans are better than sex.

@ComedicBust: I always walk into Target with a pissed off look on my face. These people don't need to know I'm here to buy waterfall scented candles.

@ComedicBust: ME: What'd you want for dinner?

MY GOTHIC GF: I pray that the lord of darkness will claim my body & soul before sunset.

ME: Chinese it is.

@ComedicBust: WIFE: Why are you bleeding?

ME [recovering alcoholic]: *flashback to sliding across the hood of my car in the Arby’s parking lot* BAR FIGHT

@ComedicBust: Prevent your neighbors from ever awkwardly waving at you again by hanging a Russian flag today.

@ComedicBust: DETECTIVE: What’s wrong, never seen a dead body before?

ME: [biting nails] No sir.

DETECTIVE: Well biting its nails isn’t going to help.

@ComedicBust: ME: I’ll try and fix it. What’s your password?

GRANDMA: Rough&Raw69

ME: Well then, I can probably guess what’s wrong with your computer...

@ComedicBust: When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn't expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.

@ComedicBust: I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.