@ComedicBust: [Blind Date]
Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..
Catfish: C'mon baby, we're already here, let's just have a drink..
@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish
@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.
@ComedicBust: GF: What a beautiful weekend. Let's go exploring.
Me: [eating Cheetos in my underwear- looks directly at the camera]
@ComedicBust: [First Date]
Me: Wanna check out the local garden?
Her: That sounds amazing.
[arriving at Olive Garden]
Me: Damn, it's busier than usual
@ComedicBust: We kissed. We undressed. I felt her heart beat. I used her bathroom. I saw Colgate toothpaste. I left. We never spoke again.
@ComedicBust: [About to have sex]
Me: I want you so bad.
Her: Take me.
Me: [rips off panties]
Her: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING PANTIES
@ComedicBust: Lawyer: TELL ME WHY YOU STABBED HIM
Me: Well, he responded to a text by calling and left me a voicemail.
[Lawyer throws up]
@ComedicBust: When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn't know it'd mean she'd quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself