@ComedicBust: [walking into a mattress store]
Me: [smiling too hard]
Manager: You can't jump on the beds.
Me: [no longer smiling]
@ComedicBust: Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?
Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.
Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?
Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.
Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?
@ComedicBust: Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.
Never mind, I'm just gonna pretend everything's going to be ok.
@ComedicBust: People are always coming up to me and asking me, "How'd you do it? What's your secret? How'd you gain so much weight so fast?"
@ComedicBust: [History Channel]
Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.
Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?
@ComedicBust: [Blind Date]
Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..
Catfish: C'mon baby, we're already here, let's just have a drink..
@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish
@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.