Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
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NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Möther may I have a snäck
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.