Funny Tweeter

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Page of ComedicBust's best tweets

@ComedicBust : Me: Ugh, there's always issues with the wifi! Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.

@ComedicBust: [walking into a mattress store]

Me: [smiling too hard]

Manager: You can't jump on the beds.

Me: [no longer smiling]

@ComedicBust: Girlfriend: How old were you when you lost your virginity, 16-17?

Me: [remembering having a bowl cut until I was 28] Around there.

@ComedicBust: [3:00am]

Me: [spooning her] Baby, you up?

Her: [playfully] Maaaaybe.

Me: Cool. I heard a noise downstairs, can you go check it out?

@ComedicBust: Does anyone know the life span of a honey baked ham? Please say 6 months.

Never mind, I'm just gonna pretend everything's going to be ok.

@ComedicBust: People are always coming up to me and asking me, "How'd you do it? What's your secret? How'd you gain so much weight so fast?"

@ComedicBust: [History Channel]

Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.

Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?

@ComedicBust: [Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C'mon baby, we're already here, let's just have a drink..

@ComedicBust: I was excited when my GF asked me to dress up as the cable guy, until I spent the next 3 hours on the roof, trying to fix the satellite dish

@ComedicBust: Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I'm single now.