@ComedicBust: When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn't expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.
@ComedicBust: I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.
@ComedicBust: [role playing in bed as pirates]
Me: Arggh, I want that booty.
Her: *giggling* Mmmk
Me: [takes out a map] Now if we cross the Atlantic...
@ComedicBust: All of my clothes look like they're about to explode off my body, yet my grandma still asks me if I'm eating enough every time I see her.
@ComedicBust: [during a plane crash]
Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE'RE GOING DOWN
Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?
"Tired of spilling meatballs while eating in bed?"
"Maybe it's time you re-evaluate your life."
Me: [heavy sigh]
@ComedicBust: [in a burning building]
Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down
Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..
JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]
@ComedicBust: Me: Ugh, there's always issues with the wifi!
Mexican grandfather: When I was 6, I fought a pack of wolves crossing the border to America.