Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ComedicBust's best tweets

@ComedicBust : I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.

@ComedicBust: *Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*

@ComedicBust: [Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you're making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..

@ComedicBust: *On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..

@ComedicBust: Role playing is fun, but I'm starting to wonder why my girlfriend will only let me dress up as my brother Randy.

@ComedicBust: Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.

@ComedicBust: As soon as I get to a party, I start saying goodbye; that way I'm out of there within 4 hours.

@ComedicBust: *Speed Dating*

Me: What'd you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit...

Me: NEXT!!

@ComedicBust: Sometimes I'll casually say "what else do you want?" on the phone, so the pizza guy thinks I'm ordering for more than just me.

@ComedicBust: Robbing me is only a good idea if you're running low on ketchup packets.