worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.