Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.