I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.