[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
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Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.