Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!