[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
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Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume