One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[eulogy]
line?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.