I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
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Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
finally
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal