My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters