Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
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What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.