Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Contwixt's best tweets

@Contwixt : I've opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.

@Contwixt: Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@Contwixt: That awkward moment when you realize your wife's funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

@Contwixt: You're only as smart as the dumbest thing you've ever said on the Internet.

@Contwixt: No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

@Contwixt: Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

@Contwixt: If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

@Contwixt: Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

@Contwixt: Why it's called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I've no idea.

@Contwixt: My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.