Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Contwixt's best tweets

@Contwixt : If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn't even know there were chameleons.

@Contwixt: I hate that when something is difficult, people say "it's no picnic," as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

@Contwixt: I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

@Contwixt: One thing I'm good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don't come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.

@Contwixt: So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

@Contwixt: Girl, are you an environmentalist?

'Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

@Contwixt: Your fancy knocking pattern isn't going to entice me into answering the door, either.

@Contwixt: THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@Contwixt: If I was a baseball coach, I'd argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can't be sure the game is actually even happening.

@Contwixt: I've opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.