Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Contwixt's best tweets

@Contwixt : Girl, are you an environmentalist? 'Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

@Contwixt: Your fancy knocking pattern isn't going to entice me into answering the door, either.

@Contwixt: THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

@Contwixt: If I was a baseball coach, I'd argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can't be sure the game is actually even happening.

@Contwixt: I've opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.

@Contwixt: Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

@Contwixt: That awkward moment when you realize your wife's funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

@Contwixt: You're only as smart as the dumbest thing you've ever said on the Internet.

@Contwixt: No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

@Contwixt: Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.