me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier