The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
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Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
lmfao come on
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship