Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Good morning, Twitter 😊
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
How it started How it’s going
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
won’t smith
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO