You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman