@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex