Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
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Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
The cashier just checked me out.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Social Media and Real life
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails