@CopBroughtPizza: i just found that children's tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol...
@CopBroughtPizza: todd: *sobbing uncontrollably*
me: relax it was just a little earthquake
todd's wife: he's an etch-sketch artist. it was everything he had
@CopBroughtPizza: pet owner's tip: glue the very tip of your cat's tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
@CopBroughtPizza: cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
@CopBroughtPizza: "even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill."
- my first and last day as a defense attorney
@CopBroughtPizza: and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about...MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE
@CopBroughtPizza: i'm reading this thesaurus. it's really interesting, or should i say... very interesting.
@CopBroughtPizza: [galileo's wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor's window to the sky*
i was just studying the... phases of venus.