*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
#DesignFail
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
hmm conte-me mais
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines