I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
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One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
What
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
new year update: losing everything but weight
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?