My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
peep davidson
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.