Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CorkyKneivel's best tweets

@CorkyKneivel : GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened? ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand...

@CorkyKneivel: Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

@CorkyKneivel: Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I've met more.

@CorkyKneivel: I can't get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

@CorkyKneivel: If your girlfriend says "my pyramid is late..."

Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That's not your biggest problem right now

@CorkyKneivel: [in bed]
"No, I'm serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?"

@CorkyKneivel: I loathe tweets like "Be somebody's beautiful tragedy". Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
"Be golf brisket honkytonk"