Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CornOnTheGoblin's best tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin : [my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman...i dunno if he's eating his vegetables or not me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I'm so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

@CornOnTheGoblin: mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok... no seppuku

@CornOnTheGoblin: [walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

@CornOnTheGoblin: "do you have any pets"
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
"what's his name"
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

@CornOnTheGoblin: ┬░pulls up to drive-thru┬░
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren't you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

@CornOnTheGoblin: honey I'm home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

@CornOnTheGoblin: [at the vet with my cat]
cat: meow
me: i know, that's why i brought you here

@CornOnTheGoblin: [pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles

@CornOnTheGoblin: [sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you're gonna miss the movie