@CornOnTheGoblin: my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
@CornOnTheGoblin: date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what's your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
@CornOnTheGoblin: roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
@CornOnTheGoblin: [tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
@CornOnTheGoblin: [to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
@CornOnTheGoblin: [doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he's singing again