Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CornOnTheGoblin's best tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin : her: this isn't going to work out me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu- her: yes it's because of the mashed potatoes

@CornOnTheGoblin: [raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you've only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@CornOnTheGoblin: i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT'S A WASP IT'S A WASP
can we close the damn window

@CornOnTheGoblin: magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then... put back together
[lowers my hand]

@CornOnTheGoblin: thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

@CornOnTheGoblin: [calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@CornOnTheGoblin: my wife's lover: what about your husband
"he won't be home from the camouflage store for hours"
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

@CornOnTheGoblin: [police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you're definitely describing sonic the hedgehog

@CornOnTheGoblin: [my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman...i dunno if he's eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I'm so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]