@CornOnTheGoblin: [pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]... the teenage mutant ninja turtles
@CornOnTheGoblin: [sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you're gonna miss the movie
@CornOnTheGoblin: [bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this -
[me from the end of the bar] IT'S MILK
@CornOnTheGoblin: [fake yawns to put my arm around date but it's so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
@CornOnTheGoblin: good cop: we've located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
@CornOnTheGoblin: [doctor presses play]
[video of me having a hard time slowing down after exiting an airport moving sidewalk]
couple: maybe a different donor
@CornOnTheGoblin: you're suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn't taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
@CornOnTheGoblin: "someone broke into your room... and peed on you while you were asleep"
me: that's right, officer