Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CornOnTheGoblin's best tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin : sisqo: [filing a missing persons' report] she had dumps like a truck cop: i keep telling you, i don't know what that means

@CornOnTheGoblin: [girl petting my dog] what's his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt

@CornOnTheGoblin: [kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that...hawaiian punch?
"dad i can explain"

@CornOnTheGoblin: her: this isn't going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it's because of the mashed potatoes

@CornOnTheGoblin: [raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you've only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@CornOnTheGoblin: i see a little silhouetto of a bug
can we close the damn window

@CornOnTheGoblin: magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then... put back together
[lowers my hand]

@CornOnTheGoblin: thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

@CornOnTheGoblin: [calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@CornOnTheGoblin: my wife's lover: what about your husband
"he won't be home from the camouflage store for hours"
[plant in the corner cocks gun]