Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CornOnTheGoblin's best tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin : date: you can't seriously be mad me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don't starve

@CornOnTheGoblin: my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea

@CornOnTheGoblin: (second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

@CornOnTheGoblin: me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

@CornOnTheGoblin: [sprays air freshener so my date can't tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

@CornOnTheGoblin: [private investigator hands me a folder] well she's not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

@CornOnTheGoblin: (Flintstones theme song)
turtle ninjas
they're a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they're about to save new york city

@CornOnTheGoblin: [girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight ;)
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

@CornOnTheGoblin: [my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it's what he wanted

@CornOnTheGoblin: sisqo: [filing a missing persons' report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don't know what that means