@CornOnTheGoblin: [calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
@CornOnTheGoblin: my wife's lover: what about your husband
"he won't be home from the camouflage store for hours"
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
@CornOnTheGoblin: [police sketch artist interrupts me again] ok now you're definitely describing sonic the hedgehog
@CornOnTheGoblin: [my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman...i dunno if he's eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I'm so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
@CornOnTheGoblin: mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok... no seppuku
@CornOnTheGoblin: [walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
@CornOnTheGoblin: "do you have any pets"
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
"what's his name"
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
@CornOnTheGoblin: °pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren't you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND