It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
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Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
🤣🤣
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!