My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
and this one
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?