[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.