My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.