Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
the dark web is just a goth google.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Very problematic
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
How can I say no to this ?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’