Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Cpin42's best tweets

@Cpin42 : My wife's parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

@Cpin42: I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like "That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking.."

@Cpin42: Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I "exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

@Cpin42: me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you're monsters

@Cpin42: Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon

@Cpin42: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

@Cpin42: My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.

@Cpin42: Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

@Cpin42: I hate when you're having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

@Cpin42: "How was your trip, boy?" I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. "There's been a development," he says gravely, removing his space helmet