Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Cpin42's best tweets

@Cpin42 : If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it's Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@Cpin42: I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

@Cpin42: [whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

@Cpin42: [yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

@Cpin42: Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

@Cpin42: [watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

@Cpin42: 8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

@Cpin42: Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

@Cpin42: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

@Cpin42: In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.