Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Cpin42's best tweets

@Cpin42 : The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@Cpin42: In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@Cpin42: [being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

@Cpin42: Sick of people calling me "The Jigsaw Killer." Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

@Cpin42: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate

@Cpin42: I feel like I'm finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

@Cpin42: [lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

@Cpin42: [sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn't waste any time, did you Becky

@Cpin42: Schrödinger's wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

@Cpin42: I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume