Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Cpin42's best tweets

@Cpin42 : Age 10: I want to be a baseball player Age 20: I want to be a writer Age 30: I want to be happy Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

@Cpin42: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

@Cpin42: In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

@Cpin42: Don't tell me how to lift my baby

@Cpin42: I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

@Cpin42: When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he's dead, that feeling is even stronger

@Cpin42: Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

@Cpin42: The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@Cpin42: In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@Cpin42: [being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?