“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Not today, today.
Not today.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
This made me chuckle.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain