Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
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16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
😂 amazing answer
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes