Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
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i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great