BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
“You’d better run, egg!”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
favorite tropes as memes
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
DOOO EEEET
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.