It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
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My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
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