Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of cravin4's best tweets

@cravin4 : Caesar: Et tu, Brute? Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

@cravin4: Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You're freaking out the customers.

Me: Fake?

@Cravin4: It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that's when the sporks flew.

@Cravin4: There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes...

..Frying the bacon

@Cravin4: I'm so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
"Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us."

@Cravin4: Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings...

.. Except at my house.

@Cravin4: Wife text from work on Easter. "Happy Easter" quick reply as joke "I'm going to grind on you so hard" opens text.Was group family text.truth

@Cravin4: Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
"The Many Benefits of Kegels".
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

@Cravin4: Son:Dad's trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

@Cravin4: Roses are red
Violets aren't ferns
Since I've been with you
When I pee it burns.