I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?