I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
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I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.