Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.