Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CruisinSoozan's best tweets

@CruisinSoozan : When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.

@CruisinSoozan: Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

@CruisinSoozan: She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

@CruisinSoozan: When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

@CruisinSoozan: The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

@CruisinSoozan: Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

@CruisinSoozan: You want to sext?
Ok, but I'm not very good at it.

*frantically types*

@CruisinSoozan: As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we're like, okay yes this makes sense.

@CruisinSoozan: I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.