Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CruisinSoozan's best tweets

@CruisinSoozan : You want to sext? *blushes* Ok, but I'm not very good at it. *frantically types* AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH...

@CruisinSoozan: As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we're like, okay yes this makes sense.

@CruisinSoozan: I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

@CruisinSoozan: Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

@CruisinSoozan: Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

@CruisinSoozan: Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey's name is Earl. He bites.

@CruisinSoozan: The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

"He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped."

@CruisinSoozan: I don't want to alarm anyone but I've purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there'll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.