@CruisinSoozan: As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we're like, okay yes this makes sense.
@CruisinSoozan: I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.
Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
@CruisinSoozan: Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
@CruisinSoozan: Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
@CruisinSoozan: Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey's name is Earl. He bites.
@CruisinSoozan: The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.
"He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped."
@CruisinSoozan: I don't want to alarm anyone but I've purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there'll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.