Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
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Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I don’t know what to do
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud