I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Cheers Twitter.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.