*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
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I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
OH. COME. ON.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works