I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Me, in DM rooms…
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.