Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
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My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.