@CulturedRuffian: Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim...you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
@CulturedRuffian: PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn't cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
@CulturedRuffian: Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
@CulturedRuffian: Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
@CulturedRuffian: *on a date *
Her: I love hiking, camping...I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!
* trying to impress *
Me: I live outside.
Me: I’m homeless.
@CulturedRuffian: My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
@CulturedRuffian: Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won't do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won't do that.
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
@CulturedRuffian: Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?