Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CulturedRuffian's best tweets

@CulturedRuffian : I don't regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

@CulturedRuffian: It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

@CulturedRuffian: Me: I wonder why I don't have any friends and can't seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

@CulturedRuffian: 1985: "I hope we'll have flying cars in the future!"

2017: "I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed."

@CulturedRuffian: Whenever I say bad words like 'diet', I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

@CulturedRuffian: Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?...No.

Me: We should see other people.

@CulturedRuffian: What do you mean my cats can't be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.

@CulturedRuffian: INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

@CulturedRuffian: Doughnuts alone won't fill the emptiness in your soul...you'll also need chocolate milk.

@CulturedRuffian: INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!