Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CulturedRuffian's best tweets

@CulturedRuffian : [INTERVIEW] HR: What are your strengths? Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza* HR: Wow-Weaknesses? Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

@CulturedRuffian: Every Monday I say to myself, “ need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

@CulturedRuffian: PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn't cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

@CulturedRuffian: Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

@CulturedRuffian: Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

@CulturedRuffian: *on a date *

Her: I love hiking, camping...I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!

* trying to impress *

Me: I live outside.

Her: What?

Me: I’m homeless.

@CulturedRuffian: My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

@CulturedRuffian: Me: And I would do anything for love.

Her: Put your phone down.

Me: But I won't do that.

Her: You said anything.

Me: No I won't do that.

@CulturedRuffian: INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

@CulturedRuffian: Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?